The Phoenix Mentality

     The phoenix symbol is something that has kept coming up for me through out my life. It's been a theme for me. Living in the city of Phoenix, I see it every where I go. As the myth goes, or as far as I understand it, the phoenix is a beautiful bird made of fire. It is able to fly and soar through the sky for a few hundred years. Then inevitably it's fire goes out. It lands at it's nest, burns up, and dies because that is it's nature. All that is left is ash. But out of those ashes comes a new phoenix that is every bit as brilliant as that one before it. That phoenix too will live out it's life until the time comes for it's fire to burn out and the cycle repeats. This dynamic of life, death and rebirth is a universal truth one that we live out everyday. Our day begins anew, we live it, have experiences, and inevitably we have to sleep. Ourselves of yesterday have died and when we wake up a new version of us, the us of today is born. 

    This idea makes me think of when I used to work at a psychiatric hospital. It would be common for clients there to have emotional outbursts. Sometimes they can treat the staff very poorly and harshly. Shouting at us, calling us profanities sometimes all day only for us to comeback the next day and continue working with the same clients. One thing that touched me though was seeing the experienced behavioral health techs and nurses treat those same clients almost as yesterday never happen. Sometimes, those clients would regret the way the acted and apologize to the staff. What I have heard many times from the best staff members in those situations was "today is a new day." There is a certain level of understanding with people who work with mentally ill population. Those clients who become emotionally charged and have outburst like that have disorders that lead to them to act that way. So often they volunteer to go into inpatient facilities like I used to work at to improve themselves. They have acted that way in the past in different situations and they have had to face negative consequences because of it. The staff know this and try to give clients the opportunity to change by having acceptance when they have episodes like that.

    I see myself as my own client. My outbursts involve debilitating depression, crippling anxiety, and the resulting isolation that comes from it. There are negative consequences for this. I miss out on opportunities and even hurt the few relationships I have. Being my own counselor, I tell myself the next day, "today is a new day." The me of yesterday that avoided, felt sorry for myself and made poor decisions has burned out and is ashes. The me of today, well . . . hopefully will be better. Maybe not. Maybe I do it again. It doesn't matter, today is a new day. My mentality was inspired by a song, Phoenix Ignition by Thrice. Key lyrics from that song I hold onto is "A new renaissance A new fire each day." The Phoenix cycle continues. We live and die everyday and we naturally strive to improve. 

    What does this mean for social anxiety? If you truly struggle with with social anxiety, you will have set backs. You will fall back into avoidance. Like the Phoenix coming to the end of it's life. Some people struggle with this disorder since they were children and didn't know any better. Only as adults did they learn what they need to do. Frankly, it is inevitable that they are going to fall back into old habits. The only way they can make progress is if they have this Phoenix mentality. That they tell themselves "today is a new day" then they can rise from avoidance, isolation, and even depression. A new phoenix for a new day. 

You Gotta Have Faith

     Before you think that I am going to get preachy, let me clarify what I mean when I say "you gotta have faith." The goal of this blog is not to make a statement regarding any sort of religious belief. Whether you have such beliefs or not, this principle will apply to you. What do I mean then? Let me ask you this, if you are reading my blog it is because you struggle with social anxiety. So, do you believe you can truly overcome it? Do you have faith that things are going to work for you and that you can achieve your whatever goals you have in this area? These questions are important because at the end of the day there is no evidence that things will ever change for you. There are millions of people who struggle with social anxiety and many of them never make any real progress. So why should you be any different? You could look up statistics to see how many people make progress but that does not answer the question, "will you overcome social anxiety?" 

    You might be thinking, "there is no way I can know if I will ever really change." That is true. You don't know but what do you believe? This post is a good follow up to my last post where we talked about biases. Most people who struggle with social anxiety are biased against themselves. They do not believe they can function normally in social situations and the ones who are destined to never change do not believe they will. Those who have faith, believing they can change even though there is no reason for them to think that, are the only ones who have any real chance of changing and most of them do. In the past, I have been a part of and even ran social anxiety support groups. I have seen people who had faith they could change and I know they did because they invested their entire selves into making the changes they needed to make. And they certainly changed. I've seen people go off to be successful in their careers, find meaningful relationships and even get married. The ones who became successful fastest where they ones who never doubted they would change. I never heard them say, "I guess I'll be stuck this way forever." It was almost as if they could see the future and saw themselves being successful so for them it was only a matter of time.

    You might also be thinking "how do I find faith when I don't have it?" That is a great a question, thank you for asking! When we have struggled with something for a long time often times things can seem hopeless. There is a mountain of evidence in the past where we avoided situations, forced ourselves in situations where the anxiety was too much, or other people have criticized us for being weak and passive (or worse). That is why I use the term "faith." Faith does not need evidence. It doesn't matter what anyone says, if you have faith in something you will believe it. As a matter of fact, people have done amazing things because they had faith. In Christianity, missionaries travel all over the world and overcome incredible barriers simply because they have faith in their beliefs. People in all religions accomplish great things because of their faith. (I mentioned Christianity only because that is the one I am most familiar with). In a lot of ways faith is simple but hard. Less is more with faith. If you find yourself roaming internet forums or even delving into research studies you are filling you brain with things that can create doubt. A caveat that I should add here is that I am not saying you shouldn't do research but you need to be careful that you do not catch your fretting over the statistics. It is good to find different strategies and approaches to making progress but do not worry about the likelihood of changing and do not compare yourself to other people in forums. Put you brain power into being successful.

    Here are some tips to help you grow your faith so that you can change. First, protect your mind from negative influences. You might need to stay away from certain places on the internet or even certain people in your life. Also, you want to seek out encouraging sources. Find sources that tell you that you can succeed and give you a different perspective. Expose yourself to these daily. Second, envision yourself overcoming social anxiety completely. What does that look like for you? How did you get to that point? What work did it take? Notice that faith, in this instance, is not passive. I would never suggest that you can sit around, not do anything and overcome social anxiety. Imagine yourself taking the time each day to prime your mind with encouraging and rational messages and challenging yourself in new social situations. See yourself gradually becoming more confident and outgoing. Make it real in your mind and practice that everyday. Instead of dwelling on what is wrong with you, dwell on what is right with you and why your future will be different than your past. Also, create a phrase that will remind you of this. Something like "I am making progress," "I will get there," or anything that speaks to you. Use that phrase when you confront anxiety and afterwards when you are tempted to dwell on the situation. There are many ways you can use your internal dialogue to help you feel more confident but that will take another post. Lastly, put your faith into motion by acting on it. If you feel anxious going up and talking to people, try it. It will most likely be difficult and might not be entirely positive. Hold on to your faith that things will get better even when there is every reason to believe that it won't. This way you will keep going and keep making progress. That is the only way.

    There is a very rational and logical reason why you should have faith that you can overcome social anxiety and it is simply because that is your best shot at being successful. If you dwell on your doubt and why you will fail then you will fail. If you focus on being successful then you will be. It takes a lot of faith to believe you will be stuck in social anxiety forever. Why not direct your faith towards overcoming it?

A Better Bias

     One of the things that I think a lot about when reflecting on social anxiety is bias. Bias is fundamental human behavior that everyone does. We are all biased about certain things. We do it because the world is too complicated to truly evaluate all circumstances we encounter so we streamline our decision making process by grouping people, objects, and circumstances into different categories and assuming they are all the same and treat them as such. What is really interesting about biases though is how our brains go out of their way to protect us from having to challenge and assimilate our biases. The way they do this is by focusing on evidence that confirms our bias and ignore all evidence that contradicts them. A basic example could be someone who uses a good luck charm, like a bracelet or whatever. They have a bias that this charm will increase the likelihood that positive things will happen for them as long as they wear their bracelet. When good things happen their brain will make a special note of those instances and attribute them to the bracelet. But when bad things happen, their brain may dismiss that as not really significant or rationalize away why that happened so the person can continue believing that their bracelet is causing positive things to happen for them, when really they are not. 

When talking about bias we almost always see this as a negative thing. Aside from promoting superstitions, as with the lucky charm example, biases can also be applied to groups of people and make false characterizations of entire demographics. We are all (or at least I hope) familiar with this sort of bias and it would behoove us to check ourselves when making broad generalizations over large groups of people. However, going back to the lucky charm example, there is more to the story. Because if someone believes that positive things are going to happen for them, their brain will not only make special note of positive situations but may even unconsciously seek them out. They might be more likely to find new opportunities (e.g. a better job, seeking new relationships, etc.) and take those opportunities because they have their lucky charm. They are in essence more confident. Although, there are many people who are biased in their own favor without the need of any trinkets. They may simply see themselves as being competent, deserving, and worthy of other people's approval and relationships. Whether that is “true” is subjective but they believe that and their brains make it “true” for them. They make special notes of all the evidence that support that belief and disregard any evidence that contradicts that. People who tend to struggle with social anxiety and other emotional disorders tend to have a negative bias against themselves. Their brains make special note of all evidence that supports the idea that they are incompetent, undeserving, and unworthy of others. Also, they disregard all of the evidence to the contrary. This harsh belief system comes from the many explicit  and implicit messages they receive either directly from others who make negative statements about them and from observing statements made by others or the media that may apply to them. For example, let's say someone sees a character on a TV show who is shy and introverted. And that character is shown in a negative light as undesirable and even pathetic then that person watching might relate to that character and see themselves that way. That is one example but there are a plethora of such messages being broadcasted to us constantly. Whether it be the media, observing other people's interactions, or even directly being told such things by others, we as a society are essentially brainwashed into this belief system.

This is a much deeper and more complicated topic than what I have described. I have many other ideas on this and will be making more posts on these kinds of topics. For now, here are some suggestions to help you promote more useful biases so that you will focus on your own positive attributes. First, filter your media consumption. If you are going on to forums where internet trolls are spewing their filth or streaming videos that make harsh negative statements that apply to you, then stop consuming that content. It does affect you even if you don’t realize it. Then seek out as much content as you can that promotes motivation, self-acceptance, and positive thinking. You might see this as boring or even completely false. That is a bias. Why is content that encourages you less valid than all the messages that discourage you? Second, take the time to notice your accomplishments, even small ones. If you feel comfortable, share them with other people who are encouraging to you. You need to retrain your brain to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive. Lastly and this could be the hardest one, challenge other people's judgements about you. When someone says something negative about you as a person try to get in the habit of either stating why they are wrong or that their opinion about you is irrelevant. People make strong harsh judgements about people when they are in no position to do so. It can help your brain if you openly challenge other people who do that. This can be very difficult and you might not be at that place. So at the very least remember, other people do not define you. They do not know all of the many facets of who you are, they do not know your past, and they do not know your future. Don’t let them dictate that for you. 

Changing our biases is really changing our beliefs. It took a long time for you to form those beliefs in the first place so it may take some time to change them. How long will that take? No one really knows because everyone is different. Making small changes in your daily behaviors and thinking habits can lead you to start making those changes over time and you might start noticing those changes sooner than you think. One day you will start noticing positive things happening for you and you didn’t even have your lucky bracelet on. 

The Wings of the Phoenix

    Social anxiety is characterized by two things. The inability to accept yourself for who you are and the resulting inhibition that comes with it. For example, in my experience I could not accept my lack of social experiences and this gave me a sense of inadequacy that paralyzed me with anxiety. Even when I pushed myself, and I really pushed myself, to be more outgoing I would run in the wall of anxiety and the negative thoughts that told me I was way over my head. In my mind, I could not overcome the blatant and seemingly obvious shortcomings that I had. At the end of the day, no matter what, when I was in a room full of people whose social experiences were far beyond mine and that made me feel inferior to them. While this was certainly an irrational belief since it’s not possible to measure social experiences there was some truth to it. Because I was avoidant as a young child and due to a plethora of variables I was lacking some experiences that many others have had. For example, I never went to any real parties and my friendships were shallow but those things do not establish my value as a person and do not necessitate that I need to feel anxious in social situations. What I was lacking was a sense of self-acceptance to empower me to go out and create positive experiences for myself.

    In my twenties, I became severely depressed over my lack of meaningful relationships. I was able to function, go to school and have a job, but I had no real friends and even felt distant from my family. So, I started to seek counseling to try and find answers. There was one counselor in particular that I remember the most because what he told me made me even more depressed than I already was. He kept saying, “you just have to accept yourself for who you are.” My heart sank. It seemed like the most asinine thing anyone ever told me. I responded saying, “I don’t want to just accept who I am. I can’t stand being this way. I am here to change and become different.” I don’t remember much else from that session but, maybe because of my depressed state, I didn’t understand what he truly meant. Later on, after reading many books and going through a comprehensive cognitive behavioral therapy group it finally clicked. What I learned was that acceptance empowers us to change. We get trapped in things like anxiety and depression because we cannot accept ourselves. That lack of self-acceptance, the “I-can’t-stand-it-itus” (coined by Dr. Albert Ellis) is what keeps us from making progress. The way I define acceptance in general is inner peace. Acceptance is having inner peace about anything, including yourself. It is not complacency which is how many people think of it. It is common for people to say, “just accept it” meaning “there is nothing you can do so just give up.” That is not what it really means though, at least not from my perspective. Acceptance is looking at something or someone, seeing their attributes and faults, and having an inner peace about it even if it means yourself. My avoidance came from the fact that I did not accept myself, in fact I rejected myself, so I believed that I could not connect with others. If I had self-acceptance then I would not hesitate to interact with others expecting them to like me. Why not? I accept myself so I would believe that they would accept me too. What if they didn’t accept me? Then so what? There are many other people in the world and I don’t need to waste time with people who have made a negative judgement about me. Nothing can beat acceptance. Someone can dislike me, hate me, and despise me but I will always accept myself for who I am, faults and all.

    The thing about acceptance is that it is a belief system. The thing about beliefs is that they are more than just a way of thinking. They are a way of feeling and acting. When our thoughts, feelings, and actions are all in alignment then we truly believe something. If I think that my car is going to start but feel anxious about it and maybe not even bother using my car then I do not believe my car will start. Same thing with acceptance. I can tell myself, “yeah, I have self-acceptance” but if I avoid other people and feel anxious then I do not really believe I accept myself. We can create this belief of self-acceptance by acting in accordance to that belief. One way to do this is to ask ourselves, how would I act in this situation if I truly accepted myself for who I am. Then make a goal for ourselves to start acting in that way. It won’t be easy because our feelings will not be in alignment. That’s the hardest part. As soon as we start being proactive and acting in accordance with our value of self-acceptance then our anxiety is going to flip out. Because our feelings have been conditioned to react with anxiety in social situations. The only way can change these feelings is by re-conditioning ourselves to have inner peace (acceptance) in those situations instead. The solution to social anxiety (in a nutshell) is to create an ideal for self-acceptance, and acceptance in general, then consistently act in accordance to that ideal. It is a two pronged attack of acceptance and proactivity.

    Regardless of your past, your short comings, mistakes, other people’s perceptions of you, you can always accept yourself. No one can ever stop you from accepting yourself. But acceptance is a process. Like exercise it needs to be done on a continual basis or you will notice yourself losing your gains. However, like the wings of the Phoenix, acceptance and consistent proactivity will lift you from the ashes of your past.

The Problem with Social Anxiety and the Internet

     What I am talking about here is not how the internet causes social anxiety (SA). Actually the fact that I had to explain that and that most people would expect me to write about that is part of my point. Type social anxiety into a search engine and you will see tons of content telling you all about it. What are its symptoms, how is it diagnosed, what are its causes, examples of other people who struggle with it, etc. If you think about it, if someone is looking up information about SA they probably understand it better than they would care to. The last thing most people want when they are trying to find information about this is to see the countless iterations of essentially the same information. What is much harder to find are actual solutions.

So much content that is given about SA is about different theories of why this is something people struggle with, usually from an evolutionary perspective, and all of the many different ways it can affect people. Not to mention driving home the ramifications of living a life in fear and how depressing that can be. Even books on the subject that you can buy do many of these same things, wasting chapters chanting the same mantra that those of us with this condition have heard many times over. The other song that we hear are the benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy, SSRI’s, and the necessity to see a licensed practitioner for any real help. So what the person who is looking for support usually receives is essentially a detailed explanation of what is wrong with them, a mentioning of what might help them, and then told to go pay to speak with someone else. Then, in my experience, speaking with most licensed counselors and psychologists becomes essentially fruitless not to mention expensive. Don’t get me started on medication.

It should be noted, this is not 100% the case. There are  the programs being sold on the internet in the form of video series claiming to have some secret method to overcoming SA but you need to pay first to really learn it and they could be totally illegit. Or you might get some advice from someone who shares their experience with SA and how they overcame it. Then there  are the SA forums, where you either get the occasional motivational quote, people who want to lament over it, and the aforementioned gurus that have a video series to sell. 

What you may be thinking now, is how is this blog post any different than what I have been describing? Aside from pointing out the shortcomings of the many resources available, I do want to talk about practical solutions that people can try. I know it is just another resource being thrown unto the giant pile that we have already. But the goal of this blog going forward will be to focus primarily on answers to social anxiety. Hopefully, I will have people who will send me questions to help spur me to come up with new topics we can discuss. So while the rest of the internet is talking about what is wrong with us we can talk about what we are going to do about it.