A Better Bias

     One of the things that I think a lot about when reflecting on social anxiety is bias. Bias is fundamental human behavior that everyone does. We are all biased about certain things. We do it because the world is too complicated to truly evaluate all circumstances we encounter so we streamline our decision making process by grouping people, objects, and circumstances into different categories and assuming they are all the same and treat them as such. What is really interesting about biases though is how our brains go out of their way to protect us from having to challenge and assimilate our biases. The way they do this is by focusing on evidence that confirms our bias and ignore all evidence that contradicts them. A basic example could be someone who uses a good luck charm, like a bracelet or whatever. They have a bias that this charm will increase the likelihood that positive things will happen for them as long as they wear their bracelet. When good things happen their brain will make a special note of those instances and attribute them to the bracelet. But when bad things happen, their brain may dismiss that as not really significant or rationalize away why that happened so the person can continue believing that their bracelet is causing positive things to happen for them, when really they are not. 

When talking about bias we almost always see this as a negative thing. Aside from promoting superstitions, as with the lucky charm example, biases can also be applied to groups of people and make false characterizations of entire demographics. We are all (or at least I hope) familiar with this sort of bias and it would behoove us to check ourselves when making broad generalizations over large groups of people. However, going back to the lucky charm example, there is more to the story. Because if someone believes that positive things are going to happen for them, their brain will not only make special note of positive situations but may even unconsciously seek them out. They might be more likely to find new opportunities (e.g. a better job, seeking new relationships, etc.) and take those opportunities because they have their lucky charm. They are in essence more confident. Although, there are many people who are biased in their own favor without the need of any trinkets. They may simply see themselves as being competent, deserving, and worthy of other people's approval and relationships. Whether that is “true” is subjective but they believe that and their brains make it “true” for them. They make special notes of all the evidence that support that belief and disregard any evidence that contradicts that. People who tend to struggle with social anxiety and other emotional disorders tend to have a negative bias against themselves. Their brains make special note of all evidence that supports the idea that they are incompetent, undeserving, and unworthy of others. Also, they disregard all of the evidence to the contrary. This harsh belief system comes from the many explicit  and implicit messages they receive either directly from others who make negative statements about them and from observing statements made by others or the media that may apply to them. For example, let's say someone sees a character on a TV show who is shy and introverted. And that character is shown in a negative light as undesirable and even pathetic then that person watching might relate to that character and see themselves that way. That is one example but there are a plethora of such messages being broadcasted to us constantly. Whether it be the media, observing other people's interactions, or even directly being told such things by others, we as a society are essentially brainwashed into this belief system.

This is a much deeper and more complicated topic than what I have described. I have many other ideas on this and will be making more posts on these kinds of topics. For now, here are some suggestions to help you promote more useful biases so that you will focus on your own positive attributes. First, filter your media consumption. If you are going on to forums where internet trolls are spewing their filth or streaming videos that make harsh negative statements that apply to you, then stop consuming that content. It does affect you even if you don’t realize it. Then seek out as much content as you can that promotes motivation, self-acceptance, and positive thinking. You might see this as boring or even completely false. That is a bias. Why is content that encourages you less valid than all the messages that discourage you? Second, take the time to notice your accomplishments, even small ones. If you feel comfortable, share them with other people who are encouraging to you. You need to retrain your brain to stop focusing on the negative and focus on the positive. Lastly and this could be the hardest one, challenge other people's judgements about you. When someone says something negative about you as a person try to get in the habit of either stating why they are wrong or that their opinion about you is irrelevant. People make strong harsh judgements about people when they are in no position to do so. It can help your brain if you openly challenge other people who do that. This can be very difficult and you might not be at that place. So at the very least remember, other people do not define you. They do not know all of the many facets of who you are, they do not know your past, and they do not know your future. Don’t let them dictate that for you. 

Changing our biases is really changing our beliefs. It took a long time for you to form those beliefs in the first place so it may take some time to change them. How long will that take? No one really knows because everyone is different. Making small changes in your daily behaviors and thinking habits can lead you to start making those changes over time and you might start noticing those changes sooner than you think. One day you will start noticing positive things happening for you and you didn’t even have your lucky bracelet on. 

The Wings of the Phoenix

    Social anxiety is characterized by two things. The inability to accept yourself for who you are and the resulting inhibition that comes with it. For example, in my experience I could not accept my lack of social experiences and this gave me a sense of inadequacy that paralyzed me with anxiety. Even when I pushed myself, and I really pushed myself, to be more outgoing I would run in the wall of anxiety and the negative thoughts that told me I was way over my head. In my mind, I could not overcome the blatant and seemingly obvious shortcomings that I had. At the end of the day, no matter what, when I was in a room full of people whose social experiences were far beyond mine and that made me feel inferior to them. While this was certainly an irrational belief since it’s not possible to measure social experiences there was some truth to it. Because I was avoidant as a young child and due to a plethora of variables I was lacking some experiences that many others have had. For example, I never went to any real parties and my friendships were shallow but those things do not establish my value as a person and do not necessitate that I need to feel anxious in social situations. What I was lacking was a sense of self-acceptance to empower me to go out and create positive experiences for myself.

    In my twenties, I became severely depressed over my lack of meaningful relationships. I was able to function, go to school and have a job, but I had no real friends and even felt distant from my family. So, I started to seek counseling to try and find answers. There was one counselor in particular that I remember the most because what he told me made me even more depressed than I already was. He kept saying, “you just have to accept yourself for who you are.” My heart sank. It seemed like the most asinine thing anyone ever told me. I responded saying, “I don’t want to just accept who I am. I can’t stand being this way. I am here to change and become different.” I don’t remember much else from that session but, maybe because of my depressed state, I didn’t understand what he truly meant. Later on, after reading many books and going through a comprehensive cognitive behavioral therapy group it finally clicked. What I learned was that acceptance empowers us to change. We get trapped in things like anxiety and depression because we cannot accept ourselves. That lack of self-acceptance, the “I-can’t-stand-it-itus” (coined by Dr. Albert Ellis) is what keeps us from making progress. The way I define acceptance in general is inner peace. Acceptance is having inner peace about anything, including yourself. It is not complacency which is how many people think of it. It is common for people to say, “just accept it” meaning “there is nothing you can do so just give up.” That is not what it really means though, at least not from my perspective. Acceptance is looking at something or someone, seeing their attributes and faults, and having an inner peace about it even if it means yourself. My avoidance came from the fact that I did not accept myself, in fact I rejected myself, so I believed that I could not connect with others. If I had self-acceptance then I would not hesitate to interact with others expecting them to like me. Why not? I accept myself so I would believe that they would accept me too. What if they didn’t accept me? Then so what? There are many other people in the world and I don’t need to waste time with people who have made a negative judgement about me. Nothing can beat acceptance. Someone can dislike me, hate me, and despise me but I will always accept myself for who I am, faults and all.

    The thing about acceptance is that it is a belief system. The thing about beliefs is that they are more than just a way of thinking. They are a way of feeling and acting. When our thoughts, feelings, and actions are all in alignment then we truly believe something. If I think that my car is going to start but feel anxious about it and maybe not even bother using my car then I do not believe my car will start. Same thing with acceptance. I can tell myself, “yeah, I have self-acceptance” but if I avoid other people and feel anxious then I do not really believe I accept myself. We can create this belief of self-acceptance by acting in accordance to that belief. One way to do this is to ask ourselves, how would I act in this situation if I truly accepted myself for who I am. Then make a goal for ourselves to start acting in that way. It won’t be easy because our feelings will not be in alignment. That’s the hardest part. As soon as we start being proactive and acting in accordance with our value of self-acceptance then our anxiety is going to flip out. Because our feelings have been conditioned to react with anxiety in social situations. The only way can change these feelings is by re-conditioning ourselves to have inner peace (acceptance) in those situations instead. The solution to social anxiety (in a nutshell) is to create an ideal for self-acceptance, and acceptance in general, then consistently act in accordance to that ideal. It is a two pronged attack of acceptance and proactivity.

    Regardless of your past, your short comings, mistakes, other people’s perceptions of you, you can always accept yourself. No one can ever stop you from accepting yourself. But acceptance is a process. Like exercise it needs to be done on a continual basis or you will notice yourself losing your gains. However, like the wings of the Phoenix, acceptance and consistent proactivity will lift you from the ashes of your past.

The Problem with Social Anxiety and the Internet

     What I am talking about here is not how the internet causes social anxiety (SA). Actually the fact that I had to explain that and that most people would expect me to write about that is part of my point. Type social anxiety into a search engine and you will see tons of content telling you all about it. What are its symptoms, how is it diagnosed, what are its causes, examples of other people who struggle with it, etc. If you think about it, if someone is looking up information about SA they probably understand it better than they would care to. The last thing most people want when they are trying to find information about this is to see the countless iterations of essentially the same information. What is much harder to find are actual solutions.

So much content that is given about SA is about different theories of why this is something people struggle with, usually from an evolutionary perspective, and all of the many different ways it can affect people. Not to mention driving home the ramifications of living a life in fear and how depressing that can be. Even books on the subject that you can buy do many of these same things, wasting chapters chanting the same mantra that those of us with this condition have heard many times over. The other song that we hear are the benefits of cognitive behavioral therapy, SSRI’s, and the necessity to see a licensed practitioner for any real help. So what the person who is looking for support usually receives is essentially a detailed explanation of what is wrong with them, a mentioning of what might help them, and then told to go pay to speak with someone else. Then, in my experience, speaking with most licensed counselors and psychologists becomes essentially fruitless not to mention expensive. Don’t get me started on medication.

It should be noted, this is not 100% the case. There are  the programs being sold on the internet in the form of video series claiming to have some secret method to overcoming SA but you need to pay first to really learn it and they could be totally illegit. Or you might get some advice from someone who shares their experience with SA and how they overcame it. Then there  are the SA forums, where you either get the occasional motivational quote, people who want to lament over it, and the aforementioned gurus that have a video series to sell. 

What you may be thinking now, is how is this blog post any different than what I have been describing? Aside from pointing out the shortcomings of the many resources available, I do want to talk about practical solutions that people can try. I know it is just another resource being thrown unto the giant pile that we have already. But the goal of this blog going forward will be to focus primarily on answers to social anxiety. Hopefully, I will have people who will send me questions to help spur me to come up with new topics we can discuss. So while the rest of the internet is talking about what is wrong with us we can talk about what we are going to do about it.