The Wings of the Phoenix

    Social anxiety is characterized by two things. The inability to accept yourself for who you are and the resulting inhibition that comes with it. For example, in my experience I could not accept my lack of social experiences and this gave me a sense of inadequacy that paralyzed me with anxiety. Even when I pushed myself, and I really pushed myself, to be more outgoing I would run in the wall of anxiety and the negative thoughts that told me I was way over my head. In my mind, I could not overcome the blatant and seemingly obvious shortcomings that I had. At the end of the day, no matter what, when I was in a room full of people whose social experiences were far beyond mine and that made me feel inferior to them. While this was certainly an irrational belief since it’s not possible to measure social experiences there was some truth to it. Because I was avoidant as a young child and due to a plethora of variables I was lacking some experiences that many others have had. For example, I never went to any real parties and my friendships were shallow but those things do not establish my value as a person and do not necessitate that I need to feel anxious in social situations. What I was lacking was a sense of self-acceptance to empower me to go out and create positive experiences for myself.

    In my twenties, I became severely depressed over my lack of meaningful relationships. I was able to function, go to school and have a job, but I had no real friends and even felt distant from my family. So, I started to seek counseling to try and find answers. There was one counselor in particular that I remember the most because what he told me made me even more depressed than I already was. He kept saying, “you just have to accept yourself for who you are.” My heart sank. It seemed like the most asinine thing anyone ever told me. I responded saying, “I don’t want to just accept who I am. I can’t stand being this way. I am here to change and become different.” I don’t remember much else from that session but, maybe because of my depressed state, I didn’t understand what he truly meant. Later on, after reading many books and going through a comprehensive cognitive behavioral therapy group it finally clicked. What I learned was that acceptance empowers us to change. We get trapped in things like anxiety and depression because we cannot accept ourselves. That lack of self-acceptance, the “I-can’t-stand-it-itus” (coined by Dr. Albert Ellis) is what keeps us from making progress. The way I define acceptance in general is inner peace. Acceptance is having inner peace about anything, including yourself. It is not complacency which is how many people think of it. It is common for people to say, “just accept it” meaning “there is nothing you can do so just give up.” That is not what it really means though, at least not from my perspective. Acceptance is looking at something or someone, seeing their attributes and faults, and having an inner peace about it even if it means yourself. My avoidance came from the fact that I did not accept myself, in fact I rejected myself, so I believed that I could not connect with others. If I had self-acceptance then I would not hesitate to interact with others expecting them to like me. Why not? I accept myself so I would believe that they would accept me too. What if they didn’t accept me? Then so what? There are many other people in the world and I don’t need to waste time with people who have made a negative judgement about me. Nothing can beat acceptance. Someone can dislike me, hate me, and despise me but I will always accept myself for who I am, faults and all.

    The thing about acceptance is that it is a belief system. The thing about beliefs is that they are more than just a way of thinking. They are a way of feeling and acting. When our thoughts, feelings, and actions are all in alignment then we truly believe something. If I think that my car is going to start but feel anxious about it and maybe not even bother using my car then I do not believe my car will start. Same thing with acceptance. I can tell myself, “yeah, I have self-acceptance” but if I avoid other people and feel anxious then I do not really believe I accept myself. We can create this belief of self-acceptance by acting in accordance to that belief. One way to do this is to ask ourselves, how would I act in this situation if I truly accepted myself for who I am. Then make a goal for ourselves to start acting in that way. It won’t be easy because our feelings will not be in alignment. That’s the hardest part. As soon as we start being proactive and acting in accordance with our value of self-acceptance then our anxiety is going to flip out. Because our feelings have been conditioned to react with anxiety in social situations. The only way can change these feelings is by re-conditioning ourselves to have inner peace (acceptance) in those situations instead. The solution to social anxiety (in a nutshell) is to create an ideal for self-acceptance, and acceptance in general, then consistently act in accordance to that ideal. It is a two pronged attack of acceptance and proactivity.

    Regardless of your past, your short comings, mistakes, other people’s perceptions of you, you can always accept yourself. No one can ever stop you from accepting yourself. But acceptance is a process. Like exercise it needs to be done on a continual basis or you will notice yourself losing your gains. However, like the wings of the Phoenix, acceptance and consistent proactivity will lift you from the ashes of your past.